At 9:45pm last night, I was staring at my reflection in my darkened bathroom. Analyzing every flaw on my face. This is the way I have been applying makeup, getting myself ready in the morning and simply facing my reflection; a dark bedroom and bathroom with only a dim night light shinning in the corner. It has been this way, since mid July. Ever since, I had a relapse. Every day and ever week I tend to be going further and further down hill. And I want to resist, but cannot. In all efforts to fight back, I reached over to the side of the wall and flipped the bathroom light on.

I thought to myself, “what are you doing, you’ll panic at your own reflection, in the bathroom lighting. I quickly bent my head down, to avoid catching a glance of myself. But something made me want to look at myself. It was not a pretty picture, I was a complete monster, a very homely young woman .

I stared straight forward at myself and pondered “why is there guys that yearn to date me, infact why is there a guy so handsome he could be a male model, striving to get to know me” If he takes me out, Im going to feel so insecure, now I can’t even feel decent around a guy. I will be looking over at him on a date like “ don’t you just adore your ugly new girl friend.”

Look at me I’m worthless
One of the ugliest
Repulsive girls around

These where my last thoughts before I flipped off the switched and slowly made my way to bed. As I drifted into a sleep, I could feel hot tears feeling my eyes.

A desperate attempt to face myself, has failed me once again. I may never win this battle.