On Sunday morning I woke up, fearing to look at my own reflection. Yet I did, it was not the greatest thing, but not the worst. Then again, I never bothered to turn on the light; not after what had occurred on the previous night. I took my bath and tried on various clothes. There was no make up or outfit that could possibly lift me out of this feeling. By mid day, I had a brake down, throwing thing and crying uncontrolibly. I think I had enough, my world the last few week has consist of nothing but my mirror and cyber space. I'm not making it to school, but the only ones who contacted me, where a couple enemies of mine always eager to start a fight. No wonder I'm having a break down. I fill as if my whole world is crashing down before me. My lifes not what I would have wished it to be. Not to forget, I missed allot of my life at ages 16-17. Never had much of a social life. Infact at sixteen I had none at all. Those years of my life are gone, though my mom reminds me that you can do the same thing at 18 and 19 that you can do in those times, I continue to be bothered by the blanks in those years. No prom, no friends, no school (homeschooling), simply no life and to depressed to learn how to drive.

I never did leave my house on Sunday, once again. Maybe Ill try again tommarown. Actuelly, Ill strive to make it to school.

At 9:45pm last night, I was staring at my reflection in my darkened bathroom. Analyzing every flaw on my face. This is the way I have been applying makeup, getting myself ready in the morning and simply facing my reflection; a dark bedroom and bathroom with only a dim night light shinning in the corner. It has been this way, since mid July. Ever since, I had a relapse. Every day and ever week I tend to be going further and further down hill. And I want to resist, but cannot. In all efforts to fight back, I reached over to the side of the wall and flipped the bathroom light on.

I thought to myself, “what are you doing, you’ll panic at your own reflection, in the bathroom lighting. I quickly bent my head down, to avoid catching a glance of myself. But something made me want to look at myself. It was not a pretty picture, I was a complete monster, a very homely young woman .

I stared straight forward at myself and pondered “why is there guys that yearn to date me, infact why is there a guy so handsome he could be a male model, striving to get to know me” If he takes me out, Im going to feel so insecure, now I can’t even feel decent around a guy. I will be looking over at him on a date like “ don’t you just adore your ugly new girl friend.”

Look at me I’m worthless
One of the ugliest
Repulsive girls around

These where my last thoughts before I flipped off the switched and slowly made my way to bed. As I drifted into a sleep, I could feel hot tears feeling my eyes.

A desperate attempt to face myself, has failed me once again. I may never win this battle.

About the start of it

Since I was 12 years of age, I have suffered from a little know about disorder called Body Dimorphic Disorder. It's an image disorder that affects the way a person suffering from it perceives them self. Many of us think we are monstrous looking and see some one in the mirror that no one else see's.

For more info on BDD go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

In my case, I did not leave the house the entire summer after 5th grade. I stayed locked in my dark room and always wore something to mask my face even from my own family. I litterly left the house 4 times in the whole summer break, and 2/4 times I kept my face covered . When I entered into 6th I would apply HIDIOUS amounts of makeup and even hid my face the first day. I was surly the black sheep at the time, which made me worse. I barley attended school, I missed so much my grades dropped to straight F's. I even ended up into the Psychiatric hospital that year, for a few days.

In Jr. High, our family had moved out of that town and I was starting in a new district. Though, I no longer masked my face or wore odd amounts of makeup, I was still VERY mentally unstable and anorexic, and was not able to stand staying in a school building all day. So, I allowed my self to go on a Digital Academy to became well. By the middle of 7th my grades where increasing and by 8th I was getting A's and B's. During Jr. High home schooling, I eventually joined a support group, I remember being terrified around other teens and tweens, but they had treated me So nicely! There for, my mental stability, had become so much better I got involved in a local theatre for acting, which helped me gain enough confidence I could actually go out in public EVERY day! I was back in, school, and I'm not doing to bad, actually GREAT. I still have bad days but I'm highly funcinable in society.

Untill I was threatend by a student, causing my recovering to go down the drain.